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Jacob Lionheart

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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2006|09:34 am]
Jacob Lionheart
**pasted from another textual message of recent date**
its been raining all week i think. ... its really weird how it has been raining for so long recently.. but i ahve only really notice the fact this morning... one day it was jsut -there-, and surpringsingly i enjoy it. i think its really beautiful right now. i feel like im living on this mystic island surround by constant fog and clouds, where it always mists down on the inhabitants.

even we dont know where we are - are we in an ocean? a lake? in the middle of some thick undiscovered forest? Why does it mist and rain all dayy and night everyday?

the damp puts everyon eliving being on the island into a sort of somnambulistic state of hypnotic consciousness. We walk about and complete our daily activities -dressing, eating, drinking, loving, thinking- always hugged by our island's envelopping cloudy rains.
****

the rain has stopped today, and teh sun has actually made an appearance. i am wearing my sunglasses this morning... though even if it wasn't slightly sunny, i wouldn't let that stop me...never has. hehe.

i thought also the exerpt was appropriate to the misty confusion i was speaking about before. For the most part, i feel as if that mist has evaporated and lifted, to reveal a certain clarity on things that i never thought i could be clear about in my romantic life. The desire to be with him is really making me see things in a totally new light. Sometimes i tell him how lucky he is that i am even considering these agreements we've reached... to which i am sure he just rolls his eyes. And i a way i am being silly, but also there is truth behind it. Never before have i even considered let alone had the want to tackle issues like the ones we deal with. I find also that simply DEALING with said issues is creating a certain type fo satisfaction in itself. Having events and ideas to work through together is something that i have been needing for a while. Beign with someone, caring for them, and working through things is all that i coudl hope for.
More and more i begin to realize just how much i care for him. And for now... that is wher ei will leave, for fear of getting ahead of myself.

isn't the internet so romantic? I mean, the entire idea is just lends itself to a certain type of romance... at least formy sake. Sure, other people make a point or just dont end up writing about their romantic feelings on the net and go for a more all encompasing "this is me my feelings which happened to include my romantic feelings". But for me i dont see these little entries as such. Even in my written journals as a kid, itr was never about " today tony step on ym toe on purpose and it made me feel angry and sad".. it was more like " tony stepped on my toe today, HE IS SO PRETY WFJHDFGJASETJDH"... maybe i am jsut preoccupied with butterfly feelings and blood pressure.
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unsure in the best kind of way [Oct. 13th, 2006|03:41 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
how long has it been? how long has it been since we started talking again? ow long has it been since i've felt this way? have i ever felt this way ... ever before? i'm not sure.. i feel like im walking in a warm, all-encompassing mist
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what dose it all mean? [Oct. 9th, 2006|01:28 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
things lately have been happening. some many things in flux.. so much transformation surrounding and invading me. after i cut myself off frmo everytign i needed to...i'm now here. Here is where no one else i know is; here is jstu me and my impressions and reactions to teh world around me. Beig "here" is realyl scary i am finding out... alone and without anyone i ahven't even touched anyone in the litteral sense.

maybe this is a fluke but soem impossibly odder things have happened since i danced for the moon on saturday. Are these events gifts? Are they tests? Are they anything? I have ot realize that things are different and that things and people change. I have to be vigilant and weary, but also its a time tobe open and willing to accept and confirm and discuss and share. What can we get from this new interaction? Am i looking for something? Is he? Or maybe we've jstu realized certain things and feel like things need to be put right. But this time i am not going to ignore my instincts and let my emotions rule me. Whatever happens i want to be able to say that i was diplomatic, honest, and fair.


For all the surreailty...its really nice.
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spring cleaning [Apr. 3rd, 2006|01:13 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Destroyer - Goddess of Drought]

its been a long time as usual. and as usual theres much more to say than can be said. hypocrites, former friends, vicious cycles, elation, epiphanies, worship, the sun. all of these and more and less.

i've learned alot again. but im tired of learning like the way i have. i can feel the wear and i'm thinning out. i need to build myself back up...again. but i cut out all soruces of bad energy and have started on a more fulfilling path for a new spring. spring cleaning...the hard way.

as for addressing previous entries: of course my feelings for George haven't wavered. but i am sure his have. i've done some pretty horrible things to him specially within the last months. I dont know if he'll ever really forgive me or be able to become close with me again. He said that we may just tbe two different people now with nothing left for each other. And he is right. we are two different people now. we've both grown so much over the years. but i still ahve so much left to share with him. all i can hope is that he feels the same. We've agreed to be friends. hehe. which is good. becaue he is also right about me when he points out that i can't just go with things. but things have progressed to a point inside myself where i jsut want to see and hear and experience him... in no matter what capacity. if that means we take time to begin to discover each other again then i am the most willing participant.
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the low down [Oct. 23rd, 2005|01:58 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
[mood |pensivepensive]
[music |Save me a Place - Fleetwood Mac]

alright, so i've been considerably cryptic in my journal for a bit now, mostly because even though i'm PRETTY sure no one reads this journal, i still take precautions.. which is ridiculous. Reminds me of wheni kept a journal in elementary school.. i'd lie to even myself and say shit like " WHOA I SAW TEH HOTTEST GIRL TODAY !! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" ahah.

so wow... this weekend has proven to be one that is both slow and self-reflexive. i went NOWHERE, saw NO ONE, and did NOTHING except think and think and think.

i thought about a lot of things. Things like: i'm a failure for staying in ottawa. Why did i think this? cause i see everyone arond me with an INKLING of ambition planning 100% to move out asap. And that leavges me feeling like " well what teh fuck did iiii do in locking myself here for anotehr four years?" My friend Emily is taking next year off before she does her final for oru program. Maybei will follow her lead? i dunno. so yea i'm a failure who is scared of stepping out of his shell.

Somethign i also realized, after going randomly to see a guy in MTL, i realized once nad for all i'm still and probably always will be in love with my First. George. We talked yesterday [ and thast somwethign else, he always has a way of appearing jstu when i need him most or when i ahve been thinking about him] and we hadnt talked in a bit. A bit being the last time he came to ottawa IN which case we spent some time together.. much inncoently at first.. but then we found ourselves on a hillside wrapped in each other's arms. It's amazing to me. No matter WHAT is happening between us... we could be hating each other's guts and back-smacking and cursing etc etc. but put us in a room .. and both of us fin dit impossible not to laydown with each other and whisper sweet nothings. i love it. my favourite thing: i'm in his arms and its silent. and then he speaks into my hair " Hi " .. an i melt. Its like.. we meet again for the first time and i'm his.

So as it stands right now, he's in barrie and has been for abotu two months. We both OBVIOUSLY [being teenage boys] have been interested in other boys and doing that whole thing and kising and shit liek that. But i dunno what its liek for him... but i always find myself thinkign about him. alwaays. We've learnt so much about life, ourselves, and others through each other. he's taught me so much about what feeling is like.. liek REALYL feeling. In teh beging.. i wore a lot of masks and said a lot of things i didnt mean. but what i thougth was nagging by him.. only forced me to drop that bulshit and really be genuine. i dunno.. whatever. he is jstu so precious. and when he's not with me and kising me adn holding me i jstu wanan tear teh earth apart and then i jstu end up being bitter adn sayign shit like i hate him and dont ever wanna see him again.. when teh trhough is that i only wanna see him.

I miss him so much. i miss him like i havent missed him before. I KNOW he's had other boys and all of that and where before i woudlfeel threatened and jealous and all of it, i jsut dont care. Caus ei KNOW that i mean more then them.. caus ei mean if how III feel is anything then thats how it is. Cause, like i said, i have been with others adn done that shit, but they mean dick all. DICK all. yup they were cute adn sexy and fun and funny. But they dont know me liek George knows me and i dont know them like i know George.

Like i told him yesterday, i KNOW he has to do his thing.. he doesnt want a relationship and wants ot make new friends and have fun and do that and whatever i know he has to. I'm going to be here. If i mean antyign to him, then he'llrealize what i've realized [if he hasnt already] and he'll find me waiting. And right now.. heis making random visits to ottawa andwe'regunna hang.. and thats fine for me. and eventaulyl when i ahve a bit more free time maybe he'll let me come down there. i dunnoi dunno i dunno.. adni dont wanan "know" i jstu wanan let it do its thing.

he's a prince.

and i'm his Lion Knight.
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fucking give me a break [Oct. 22nd, 2005|12:50 am]
Jacob Lionheart
fucking suck my dick world.

you can fyuckign S U CK MY D I C K. its like EVERYONE is gettign together and " teehee we're so happy!" look at us kiss and look at us eat and walk and talk and sleep and shit and piss and take dumps on each others chests and lick it clean and tongue our eyeballs and fist each other and butterfly kiss and all that other bullshit.

you stupid fuckign fishy cunt faggots. fuck i am in SUCH hate with EVERYONE/THING right abou teh fuck now. its liek when fate was planign everytign out:

"hrmm and i'll sperad happiness here, and intelligence there, and merth over there, and good times over here" its like my being ws waytooo smallof a fuckign black dot on teh fucking map of life or wqhaetver the fuck shit to get any of that good stuff.

the next fag couple i see laughing and joking and eating, i'm gunan walk right up to themadn puek into their eyes. worthless piece of shit eyes.
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why? [Oct. 17th, 2005|11:58 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
why do i always do this. i can't EVER feel drawn/connected to somerone who isnt in some sort of crisis. i always seem to find the ones that are goign thorugh one of teh hardest times in their life one way or another. I mean i feel for them obviosuly, but it ends up jsut hurting me in the long run.. SPECIALYL considering i'm the most sensitive person in teh universe. ANWYAYS, basicalyl tehreis this guy. *sigh.


anwyays whatever. he jus got out of a really serious relationship is not onyl that but some otehr issues jsut pile on top of that one. So obviosulyhe is feeling a bit .. lets say down. Ijust hope i'm not the rebound.
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hrmm [Aug. 25th, 2005|08:09 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
well its been a while since my soul was taxed.

but now i feel like i ahve a bit more of a handle on how it is i feel adn think.

i think i'm in need of sincerity and care and thoughtfulness and non of teh opposite.

i'm ready to be loved for my body and my mind and my ups adn my downs and i'm ready to do the same.. i've never been more ready to start building somethign with someone who is intersted in construction of teh third entity as well.

here's to hope.

*he clangs his glass with yours

*takes a drink.
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(no subject) [Aug. 1st, 2005|09:13 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
this past weekend was the most emotionally charged/soul-taxing four days of my entire life. i feel like i have run three marathons and all i can do now is sit and stare blankly...i've never been so up or so down so confused and so nonchalant. it realyl makes me wish for rael stability. i dont care in what form it comes. i just need a break now. i'm so hurt and so fulfilled. i'm now in the purgatory of feelings where i dont know what to do with any of my thougths or feelings.
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hrmm evened [Jul. 19th, 2005|07:32 pm]
Jacob Lionheart
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Fannypack - Seven One Eight]

lately things have been less extreme. ahah. lastnight was good for mer.. i was able to atrticulate things realyl well. it did a lot to help sort things in my brain. i no longer want ot KILL.. but still i am slightly jaded. but its not that big of a deal... i've actualyl got a lot to be happy about! i realized today hanging with my friend rick.. we were driving around... and things jstu felt nice. thanks rick! you're agodo friend! ANNDN we saw batman begins!@! shashah oh MAN its SOOOO good.. it realyl played on my straight conservative upbringing! hehe.

anwyays.

later.

jake
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